SEXUAL ASPECT OF MARRIAGE: UNSELFISHNESS AND CONSIDERATION
How often I have had a disgruntled wife complain of her demanding husband
and his selfish insistence, and how -
after he has been satisfied -
he has merely
turned on his side and snored off to sleep in one minute flat, leaving her
there, wide awake, frustrated, irritated, unsatisfied, and, as they say,
"feeling used." I am certain that this is not how it was meant to be, and I
am equally certain that no marriage can be entirely happy with this attitude
by one partner.
The most important factors in a satisfactory sexual relationship in
marriage are unselfishness and consideration. Unless these two vital
components are present in a marriage, it will be torn asunder with many
problems, and those of the bedroom will be but the tip of the ice-berg.
And while wives complain of the lack of these attributes (among others),
their husbands are also quick with their list of complaints: their wives do
not understand their physical needs; they are inert participants, caring
nothing for the role they should be playing; that their wives are (and this
is the ultimate complaint) frigid!
Well, I tell these men that there are no frigid women; there are only bad
lovers -
and hence the
blame lies at their door. That doesn't win me any popularity polls with the
males, but I do not leave them at that. I try to show them how many wives
have to be educated into being a good partner in the marriage bed; I try to
emphasize how important it is for them to be thoughtful for their wives'
needs; I try to show them how easily they (the men) can be aroused sexually,
and how slowly a woman is aroused, and thus patience and gentleness and
consideration and
thoughtfulness and technique are all necessary
components of the successful and mutually satisfying sexual encounter.
That is why I tell them—and
now I am telling you—how important education for this aspect of marriage is.
Sexual satisfaction is not something that comes naturally, in spite of what
may be popularly believed, and what the glossy magazines tell you. It is
something that has to be worked at diligently and patiently. So many think
that, because sex is a natural instinct, the satisfaction that it is
supposed to bring, also flows on as a natural by-product. Not so!
It is essential that each partner understands the anatomy of the other.
And what is more, they must understand their own—and
please do not take it for granted that you know this. You should know the
areas where tactile stimulation (i.e., stimulation by gentle touching) will
bring the best and surest results. These are built into our bodies by a
thoughtful Creator who implanted within us, I believe, the sexual mechanism,
and its capacity to be aroused, and the resultant pleasure that intelligent
and thoughtful stimulation can bring.
All normal, healthy humans within certain age limits should be capable of
a very satisfying sex life. All should be capable of achieving a climax, or
orgasm, as the correct term is. Ideally, this should occur in the husband
and wife simultaneously, but it does not always happen that way by any
means; however, satisfaction does not depend on an orgasm (especially in the
woman) at all times. She is often capable of satisfaction as a result of the
stimulation and the warm glow that results from the togetherness of the
love-making.
It is essential to recognize the physical (and emotional) nature of your
partner. Some (of both sexes) are quickly aroused; others are aroused only
very slowly. Here is where patience, technique, consideration and gentleness
are so important. Usually, it is the male who needs these qualities
especially.
Often, for example, it is the male who desires sexual intercourse more
frequently than does his wife. Here again is where his patience and
thoughtfulness come to the fore; he must understand this, and not demand his
"conjugal rights" as often as he might have the desire. On the other hand,
the wife must know that her husband can be quickly aroused and can quickly
come to an orgasm. She will need to give much thought to that.
*31/76/5*
GENERAL HEALTH